Dan Patrick's Monologue Joke Mondays

Wherein I over-analyze the joke at the bottom of Dan Patrick's "Just my Type" page in Sports Illustrated. These jokes are so wonderfully awful, I hope they are supposed to be a parody.

From Last Week’s SI (with a dangerous chalk mist floating in the air)

“Astronauts made repairs to the giant Hubble Space Telescope. Unfortunately, it still can’t find Versus.”

Why It Is Hilarious

The Hubble Space Telescope is used to locate and research objects at extreme distances from Earth. Versus has been notoriously hard for some people to locate on the cable providers. The telescope tried and failed to locate the network on its cable box.

Why It Sucks

Versus’ signal would be traveling via satellite. The signal would be invisible to the telescope. Also, this joke is four years old. Versus is now available on DirecTV, the Dish, and many cable providers.

PS – I hope this never comes off as me hating SI. I like SI. It’s infinitely better than ESPN the Magazine (and thanks to them, SI is Rick Reilly free!). I do hope comes off as me hating Dan Patrick. About ten years ago, Patrick was very good on Sportscenter. Now, he’s arrogant, annoying, and not funny. That’s not fair because I haven’t listened to his radio show since he left ESPN, but I doubt SI gave him a lot of money and he instantly became interesting.

Dan Patrick's Monologue Joke Mondays

Wherein I over-analyze the joke at the bottom of Dan Patrick's "Just my Type" page in Sports Illustrated. These jokes are so wonderfully awful, I hope they are supposed to be a parody.

From Last Week’s SI (with a disgraced Predator alien on the cover)
“Big couple of weeks for geldings. First Mine That Bird, then Manny.”

Why It Is Hilarious
I’m not sure. A gelding is a castrated horse. Manny Ramirez, I assume, is neither of those things. I have a couple of theories as to where this joke was trying to go (none of them are funny):

1. Manny was caught using a woman’s fertility drug often used to increase testosterone levels. Maybe Patrick is insinuating that Ramirez needed such a drug because he is castrated.
2. This might all be false, but I believe race horses are sometimes (legally) injected with drugs before races or during training in order to increase their abilities. In the past, athletes have injected themselves with similar drugs.
3. Manny is a large man, similar in girth to a horse. He is, however, usually referred to as “The Baby Bull.” A bull, if the hastily put together picture below is accurate, is different from a horse. Notice the horns.

It’s terrible all around. Good work!

Dan Patrick's Monologue Joke Mondays

Wherein I over-analyze the joke at the bottom of Dan Patrick's "Just my Type" page in Sports Illustrated. These jokes are so wonderfully awful, I hope they are supposed to be a parody.

From Last Week’s SI (with a cover that I totally forget to mention):

“Anaheim shocked Detroit in triple OT in Game 2 of their Stanley Cup series. Red Wings fans were so upset, they threw the Octomom onto the ice.”

Why It Is Hilarious

For more than fifty years, Detroit Red Wings fans have thrown octopi on the ice of playoff games. It is viewed as a sign of good luck. In the fifties, it took eight wins to earn the Stanley Cup – an octopus has eight tentacles. During the long Game 2 of the Wings/Ducks series, Red Wings fans may have gotten desperate and thrown something with potentially a bit more luck than an octopus. Octomom may have been appropriate. Octomom has the prefix “octo”, as does the word “octopus”. Related!

Why It Sucks

This is the kind of joke that gets just a small spattering of laughs on a late night show. The host holds the silence for an extra long time and eventually starts explaining the joke to the band leader.

HOST: “You know? Octomom? Those crazy Wings fans throw the OC-TOE-pi (he pronounces it slowly because it sounds funny) on the ice. For luck, I guess.”

(As the host trails off into nothingness, the band leader laughs.)

BAND LEADER: “Nooo, no, no, I get it. It’s funny.”

HOST: “Well, you’re surenhe fpfht lremf (mumbling something derisive).”

(Audience laughs at the comical pairing. Host moves on.)

HOST: That Octomom stuff is crazy! … ”

(The “Octopus etiquette” section of the Legend of the Octopus Wikipedia page is quite an enjoyable read.)

Dan Patrick's Monologue Joke Mondays

Wherein I over-analyze the joke at the bottom of Dan Patrick's "Just my Type" page in Sports Illustrated. These jokes are so wonderfully awful, I hope they are supposed to be a parody.

From Last Week’s SI (with a socially anxious pitcher on the cover):

“The Giants drafted Hakeem Nicks from North Carolina. He fills a key need: a tall wide receiver with good hands and no gun permit.”

Why It Is Hilarious

The New York (football) Giants had to find another tall receiver with good hands after they released Plaxico Burress. Last season, Burress hilariously carried a loaded semi-automatic pistol into a night club. He tucked the weapon into the waistband of his sweatpants. When the gun fell down his pant leg, he accidentally shot himself. He could have killed someone. Hakeem Nicks was the Giants’ choice. He, presumably, does not have any registered firearms.

I take it all back. This does not have one sliver of funny.

Why It Sucks

I am pretty sure “no gun permit” is just one of the many ways Plaxico Burress fucked himself. In fact, yes, that is definitely true.

I am going to tag this with ‘Hakeem Nicks’. The odds of yous using that tag again are exactly 55.5 million to 1. If someone can honestly post an article on this blog that effectively earns that tag, I will give him or her two American dollars.

Dan Patrick's Monologue Joke Mondays

Wherein I over-analyze the joke at the bottom of Dan Patrick's "Just my Type" page in Sports Illustrated. These jokes are so wonderfully awful, I hope they are supposed to be a parody.

From Last Week's SI (with three California Longhairs on the cover):
"Not all good news from the Indians 14-run, 13-hit second inning against the Yankees. Third base coach Joel Skinner now needs rotator cuff surgery."

Why It Is Hilarious
As the third base coach, Joel Skinner would have had to wave a lot of people home during his team's 22-4 win over the Yankees on April 18th. His arm would tire--especially in the second inning, as a large amount Indians passed third in that time. This wear and tear would eventually force Skinner to undergo serious shoulder surgery.

Why It Does Not Entirely Make Sense
Eight of Cleveland's 14 runs came via the home run. Plus, three more runs were driven in from third base. Skinner would not have to frantically wave his arm in these situations, thus preventing any lasting damage.

That was more fun than it should have been.