Dan Patrick's Monologue Joke Mondays

Wherein I over-analyze the joke at the bottom of Dan Patrick's "Just my Type" page in Sports Illustrated. These jokes are so wonderfully awful, I hope they are supposed to be a parody.

From Last Week’s SI (with a socially anxious pitcher on the cover):

“The Giants drafted Hakeem Nicks from North Carolina. He fills a key need: a tall wide receiver with good hands and no gun permit.”

Why It Is Hilarious

The New York (football) Giants had to find another tall receiver with good hands after they released Plaxico Burress. Last season, Burress hilariously carried a loaded semi-automatic pistol into a night club. He tucked the weapon into the waistband of his sweatpants. When the gun fell down his pant leg, he accidentally shot himself. He could have killed someone. Hakeem Nicks was the Giants’ choice. He, presumably, does not have any registered firearms.

I take it all back. This does not have one sliver of funny.

Why It Sucks

I am pretty sure “no gun permit” is just one of the many ways Plaxico Burress fucked himself. In fact, yes, that is definitely true.

I am going to tag this with ‘Hakeem Nicks’. The odds of yous using that tag again are exactly 55.5 million to 1. If someone can honestly post an article on this blog that effectively earns that tag, I will give him or her two American dollars.