Dissecting Space Jam: Important

(Why yes. That is a Pulp Fiction reference. And, yes, Dick Dale's "Misirlou" did briefly play. Thanks for asking!) I watched Space Jam earlier today (I also watched Broken Flowers and The Descent. Both exceeded my expectations. The latter is forcing me to sleep with my lights on tonight.) As a rule, I try not to watch movies that I watched over and over in my younger days. They tend to suck. However, I needed something to watch while dominating the Atlanta Braves with the Washington Nationals and Space Jam was available for streaming on NetFlix. It wasn't awful. It wasn't good, but nobody seems to be taking it too seriously -- especially Bill Murray, who appears to hate every moment... and it's hilarious. I'm gonna go ahead and call his performance career changing. (Broken Flowers would have never happened without Space Jam. Full circle. Boo-yah.)

Anyway, a couple things caught my attention that relate to today's sports world. Many people credit the 2001-2002 New England Patriots as the team that decided to enter the Super Bowl as a team, instead of individuals.

In reality, though, they probably just stole it from the MonStars.

After the ToonSquad, the home team (They just had to enter first. Dicks.), is introduced one-by-one in a lengthy and showy spectacle. The MonStars enter the arena as one. And thoroughly dominate the Toons for the entire first half.

Also, something that has been covered before: The issue of steroids in Space Jam. (That linked guy is obviously taking a tongue-in-cheek approach. This, of course, will be professional journalism.)

Adam Littman of Pitt News focuses on the power source of the MonStars, the "talent" of five NBA players. The tiny inhabitants inject the "talent" and are instantly transformed into basketball super-athletes. But that's not nearly as distressing as what the "good guys" do:


That's right. At the half, Bugs Bunny offers up "Michael's Secret Stuff" as the Toons key to victory. Michael Jordan responds to the early hesitance with "You wanna win or not?" Every character laps it up and wants more. The team comes out of the locker room energized and confident. The audience knows from the beginning that Bugs just presented the others with water in order to improve their self esteem, but the way the Toons willingly "cheat" is disturbing. What are we teaching our 1996 children. "Hey, if a cartoon offers you a secret potion that he says will improve your athletic ability at halftime of some game, take it, as long as the greatest player of that sport approves."

So, to sum things up, Space Jam is directly responsible for the Steroid Era in Major League Baseball. Once you looked, it was obvious.

And, hey, here's Broken Flowers in full. Surely, it can't exceed your expectations! Let's watch:



(Space Jam screencaps are from NetFlix (or maybe just Netflix) Watch Instantly. Thanks!)

Almost Investigative Journalism

In my very first post, I wrote: "ESPN already takes so much shit across the blogosphere. No need to constantly fall into the tired criticisms of everyone else."

For this post, I am falling. I am sorry.

ESPN has been frequently running their two "This is Sportscenter" commercials featuring LeBron James recently (the other one is right here). Have you ever noticed that the normally inked arms of James are totally bare?

Maybe, they were made several years ago. It sure seems like King James has added a lot of body art recently.

That's partly true. I did some research.

As far as I can tell (after an unsatisfying Google News search), the two short spots originally aired in 2007. I have not found any information when the commercial was shot. There are clues to the time frame, however. Scott Van Pelt has a near shaved head, so it must have been after, and this is the only thing I could find that helps in this investigation, May 21, 2004. Also, LeBron is wearing the blue Cavalier alternate jersey (I think. I am colorblind. It may be the regular wine color. Let me know if I'm wrong.). According to this page, that jersey did not debut until the 2005/2006 season (November 26, 2005, to be exact.). So, the commercial, more than likely, was produced during the 2006 off-season.

Those clues could be countered with: "You have no idea when SVP shaved his head and you're color blind." Both of those statements are true. I'm a dummy, as well.

However, all of that is totally irrelevant. LeBron already had a rather large tattoo on his right arm -- the right arm that features so prominently in the "Copier" spot -- in high school. Evidence is second from the left:


In fact, this timeline reveals that by the time these commercials were most likely shot (We'll say Summer 2006, prior to James' fourth season.), he had a quite a lot of ink.

(I could have simply embedded the video and linked to that timeline, but instead, I spent an hour trying to figure out when Scot Van Pelt cut off his hair. That's just how much I love you.)

This all seems like something every blog would have picked up about two years, but I looked. I couldn't find any information. About 24 hours ago, one YouTube commenter pointed it out. It was not me. (And I swear I had already planned this out before I read the comment.) Blogs do love a tattoo removal controversy. It's surprising no one picked up on this. I guess, maybe, that had something to do with the fact that's more fun to look at Danica Patrcick's lower back than LeBron's arms. Makes sense. (Again, if I'm wrong, let me know. But, for now, you can call me an American Hero.)

I just don't understand why ESPN would go through the trouble of putting makeup over the man's tattoos. They mean something to him. Do LeBron James' tattoos make anyone think less of him as a basketball player or as a person? Do the tattoos make him appear to be a "thug"? I have friends with tattoos. They are far from "thuggish."

Noteworthy Note: See how the text wraps around the embedded YouTube video? That took a lot of time. Thank you, this guy.